TW - talk about Eating Disorders
Age 13 - I had started to realise that I wasn't in very good shape and decided it was time for a change, time to get 'healthy'. What I didn't know was that the 'healthy' eating and workout plans I was looking at would lead to years of health issues, self-image issues and needing to compare myself to a number.
I started to eat very restrictive meal options, limiting myself to 2 muesli bars during school and not eating until dinner - I dropped a lot of weight and started to like how I looked but still wanted to get the number on the scale lower, it became like a cat and mouse game - have a number that I needed to reach but every time I got close to the goal it would change, and I was obsessed with winning the game.
I started doing extreme ab exercises, 30
day intense challenges and hard cardio. My mind was tricked in to thinking that this was the best way to get skinny and 'healthy' not realizing that eating very little and excersising a lot could lead to more damage than good.
Age 15 - I was stuck. The number on the scale wasn't moving a lot, it rarely went down and mainly stayed the same. I decided to research on 'how to lose weight fast' and 'how to lose 10kg in 2 weeks' thinking that these were the right options for me I clicked on a link and was sucked down the rabbit hole of excessive restriction and pro-ED videos and stories. I was sucked in and trapped. I started not bringing any food to school, I would drink lemon water if I felt sick from the lack of nutrition, I would go and buy weight loss shakes and have 1 a day thinking that this is what I needed to do. I would look up kpop idols that are skinny and research what they ate and how they exercised thinking that it was what I needed to do. I started to become cold all the time, clothes started to be loose on me, I had an aunt come over and completely not recognise me - she introduced herself to me and the upon realising who I was she was shocked and said I looked so 'different and amazing' - that was what I wanted to hear. Upon hearing that I knew I was doing good but my mind was fighting with the scale and measuring tape - the goal was right there, I had reached it but my mind was telling me that that number was not the goal anymore, I still needed to loose more. So I did.
Age 16 - I began the ultimate restriction and started going days with no food. I had some friends that were skinny and I wanted to be like them, we had been friends since we were 10 and it had always weighed in my mind that I was the 'bigger' friend, the 'heavier' friend. I don't know why but I felt like I needed to match them, my mind would say ' who would want to date the fat friend?' I started to push myself more, joking with my friend that 'skinny bitches don't eat' we would think that nothing was wrong with this sentence and it became a life motto for me. I didn't want to eat with the fear I would gain everything back. All the 'hard work'into losing I had put the weight, why would I want to gain it back?
Age 17 - The age of underage drinking at parties. Don't get me wrong I'm not proud of all the underage drinking I did, I started having small drinks of alcohol at age 7, and when I got closer to the legal age for drinking, I started drinking more. Drinking shot buckets with friends and making sure we finished the whole bucket, drinking cartons of vodka cruisers, straight vodka - I was starting to go off the rails. You would think that with all the drinking I did I would be eating a ton right? wrong. I still continued to not eat before parties and if I had to eat at a party I would take 2 bites and throw it away but that started to make me miss the taste of food. Something clicked in me at age 17 and I started to realise that I needed to eat..so I did.
I started eat a lot more but I also started to binge, having dinner but also binging on chocolate and sweets after. I would say I'll just have one and then I would finish the whole packet of freddos. I started to spiral, I went from restrictive eating to heavily binging, and I knew people would notice. I would look at myself in the mirror and think I had just gained 10kg. I would pull and pinch at my stomach and thighs thinking I was so fat and I hated it. Every binge lead to a mental breakdown, I would spend hours crying and writing in a journal about how pathetic and useless I was because I had broken out of the restrictive eating.
I had gone from one eating issue to the other.
Age 18 - My final year of school and I was older than everyone else. I spent every weekend out at the clubs drinking and 'rewarding' myself by eating fast food. I was in this huge cycle that I felt I couldn't break out of. I remember finally opening up to a friend about the issues I had been having with food and that same day someone I knew came up to me and asked me if I had gained weight? I lost it, I completely spiralled and went back to restrictive eating. No lunch, No breakfast. I would always have the stomach that grumbled in class and would always chug my water bottle to make it be quiet. I found it so hard to open up to that one friend that after that comment that same day, I refused to open up about my eating issues and continued to deal with it by myself.
Age 20 - The restrictive eating was back. I was lucky enough to be a featured extra in a feature film, I was so excited but once I started filming the negative thoughts came back, I started comparing myself to a lot of the girls I worked with, thinking they were so skinny and perfect looking that if the director wanted to keep any of us in his mind for future work it would be them as they were more memorable and gorgeous and I was just me, short and chubby. I knew I shouldn't have been thinking these thoughts again but I couldn't help it, we had been in lockdown for covid, I had lost my job due to covid, I was struggling to find any acting work or any work that I loved. I started to try and look up other people that had faced the same issues but struggled to find any stories of other people like me. They were all either excessive restrictive eating or excessive binging - I could never find anyone sharing their story with being on both ends of these issues. It made me feel like maybe I didn't actually have these issues? Maybe I wasn't sick? like I wasn't struggling with food and body issues, maybe it was just all in my head? I ended up getting a job that I absolutely loved and it felt like a family and my eating issues had started to 'fix themselves' or so I thought.
During this time I was also facing some blood pressure issues, and after a lot of tests it was confirmed, I had mild high blood pressure. First thing my Dr tells me is that she wants me to loose weight, try to manage my health that way. As soon as she mentioned this all I could think about was falling down that rabbit hole again - I was sitting on the edge and was so close to finally climbing out if it and then I was hit with this.. I spiraled, I lost control, I started to restrict how much I ate again and started going to the gym a lot more, I thought maybe I had a handle on it this time, maybe I could lose enough to make my Dr happy and not feed in to the negative. Oh I was so wrong. At a follow up appointment I thought I would have been on track to where the Dr would want me to be, I was wrong. my Dr wanted me to lose 30% of my body weight, I was shocked, I was close to the weight I was during the depths of my food issues, I struggled a lot after that appointment, I never wanted to go and see the Dr as I never wanted to step foot on to that scale again, we were back to the cat and mouse game, and I was losing.
Age 22 - Where I am at now. I still struggle, every day is different, I never know how my mind is going to act, Some days I can feel amazing about myself and then during the day I could struggle and feel like I'm a whale, I still compare myself to others every now and again but I am a lot nicer to myself. Yes I still struggle with binges and restricting how much I eat but I have learnt that my body needs some foods and I've started to remember what it feels like to be close to full and knowing where my boundary lines are with how much I can eat and not go in to the 'needing to binge zone'
I pushed so many of my friends away, I ended friendships with people I had known since I was 9 years old. I tried to keep myself up with what I thought society wanted me to look like, I used so many excuses with my family and friends as to why I wasn't hungry or to why I was wanting to lose a little weight 'Just want to look a little nicer in my ball dress' - and then continue to compare myself to everyone around me. I pushed myself to be busy with exercises and training just so I wouldn't be tempted to sit at home and binge. I lied to co-workers when they asked why I had so little for lunch and would say that I was in a rush so grabbed something quick from the pantry, knowing full well I had time to make a nice lunch but didn't want to risk eating a full meal. I faced so many meals being anxiety filled, my heart racing at the thought of what I was about to consume. I hid all of this from my friends and family because I was ashamed, I thought there was no reason for me to be like this, there were other people with eating disorders that need help more than me, I felt like I had to hide from everyone
It has taken a lot of time, patience and definitely a lot of tears but I am okay with admitting that I have these food and body issues. I am okay with saying that I have struggled with restrictive eating. I am okay with saying that I have struggled with binge eating. I am okay with saying that I have a fear with food now. I am okay with saying that I have a fear of looking too long in the mirror because I am afraid I will start to poke out all of my insecurities. Even though I am opening up about my issues I have definitely not fully recovered, I still face tough times and fall backs but I am better than I was.
It is okay to have these problems and it is okay to admit that you are struggling
You are not alone. Don't fall down the rabbit hole, you have got this.
I believe in you
- T xx
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